Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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