Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
