WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The maid of honor just puked.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
