So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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