I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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