Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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