So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i think i just lost a toe
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
