do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Randomize
