Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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