____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
