I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Say something about gay babies.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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