I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
