Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
