At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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