There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
