We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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