My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
