If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
