when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize