I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
