he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
