Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
