Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
