Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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