Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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