did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
