I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
