Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
