The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
