You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i now understand why vodka
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
