i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
