At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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