please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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