If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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