the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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