I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
