Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
