Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
