I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
