i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
