The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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