i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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