my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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