then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
