Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize