"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
