The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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