I skipped work to stalk him.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
