Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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