I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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