I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
