did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
