There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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