he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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