Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
