Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
