i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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